4 days post op

. . . . and really nothing to say. Just felt like I should check in! The home health nurse has visited, changed dressings, emptied drains etc. She felt like we were doing well enough today that she didn't come by. I agree. No idea if she is coming back tomorrow or not. Still having more pain than I thought I would have, but I guess it's different for everyone. Very hard to remember not to use my arm--the pain is a very quick and not so subtle reminder though!

We've been well taken care of: meals and "yogurt therapy" provided! John and the kids have really helped out doing housework and laundry, though I tried a little today. It's very frustrating not to even be able to do the simple things. So thankful for my garden--at least I can use the hose and water that, and feel something is "normal".

For now, all that is on the agenda is a few follow up appointments. Friday I see the oncologist and he should let us know the results of pathology reports and how they will affect my future course of therapy. A week from today I see the surgeon to get drains and stitches out (hopefully!). The oncologist should also set dates for resuming chemotherapy--something I'm trying very hard to NOT think about right now.

Feeling very blessed by friends and family helping out right now, and doing my best to relax, rest and heal.

Update

Just a quick update on the surgery. Can hardly believe that it was just yesterday, but it was. Surgery went well on so many levels!!

Medically: I had been scheduled for a "sentenal node biopsy and simple vs. radical mastectomy with axillary node dissection". In simple terms, they would biopsy the sentenal lymph node(s) and if cancer cells were there, they would do the radical plus take all my lymph nodes. Initially, the surgeon wanted to go with the radical mastectomy, because in his experience, with a tumor of this size, there is almost always cancer in the lymph system. We asked for him to do the biopsy and he agreed. They ended up taking 3 lymph nodes for biopsy and ALL were negative for ANY cancer cells! This is nothing short of a miracle, and the surgeon said he was very surprised. I am thrilled to have had a simpler surgery, and to keep most of my lymph nodes!!

Of course emotionally this was a hard surgery. I was very scared (okay, terrified) and there were many tears, both leading up to, and during the day yesterday. God surrounded me with fellow believers, with people who were compassionate and caring, and other cancer survivors. I truly cannot say that anyone was less than caring. There were some very scary and painful moments for me yesterday, but God saw me through, and again, sent caring people for me.

After such a long and um, exciting day, it's hard to believe I'm home already! 24 hours after going into the OR, I came home! I'll be visited by a home health nurse tomorrow, and maybe after that too, to help me manage the dressings and drains. And of course, I'll be spending a lot of time resting :)

There's so much more I could share, but the main meds are sneaking up on me. I think I'll go lay down and appreciate these lovely flowers. Thank you so much for your prayers!!

T minus 2

Is that how they say it? Well day after tomorrow is the big day. At this point I'm feeling much more positive and in fact, I'm confident I can make it without psychiatric help. Wasn't so confident a few days ago.

Have to thank you so much for your prayers, because I know that the only thing that will get me through is knowing His peace. I know for certain that He has led people to me at just the right time, to say just the right things.

Interesting thing about God's timing, when I feel like I can't take it anymore, sometimes there IS more to be taken. It isn't about "I can't handle any more" it is about "I can't handle any more WITHOUT YOU". This is not an easy lesson let me tell you. I felt like the end of my rope happend about 20 feet ago, and am finding that only when there is nothing else to rely on, do I find peace.

Things I shouldn't do

My sister and I were discussing things I really probably shouldn't do, with regard to the upcoming surgery.

Like, draw hair on my head with a sharpie. Or, write instructions with said sharpie. . . things like "this side only" or "put a little tuck here". How about taping a "breast cancer awareness" pink ribbon to my head? That one I really might do. then there are SO many things to do when you are lying on a gurney, being pushed through the hall. Don't even start me on those possiblities. How about bringing a sack lunch and asking the nurse to hold it in case I get hungry? My favorite idea is to come in to the pre-op check in, with a half full starbucks cup.

Then there are all those questions you know they will ask, and so many tempting answers. . . .
"what is your understanding of the surgical procedure we will be doing today."
"hang on, hang on. I should know this one. . . . "

"have you had anything to eat or drink since midnight?"
"no. Not a thing. Not even that little green pill that makes the voices go away. . . . . . . did you hear something?"

"do you have a ride home?"
"isn't there a bus stop right across the street?"

"can I see your ID and insurance card?"
whispered "you won't call immigration will you?"

Then of course, I need to request satin sheets. They stock those in the hospital right?

Sadly, I've promised my family to behave. Doesn't sound like much fun though, so I'm looking for some pink ribbon at least.

Surgery

Ugh. So it's scheduled for next week. Seems the info changes every time I hear from the office, but the constant has been that it is for Thursday. I'm supposed to get a packet in the mail that explains everything. Let's hope so. I have a pre-op appointment (which they told me I wouldn't have) on Tuesday, and maybe there will be more answers there. Then again, Friday they said I would receive the elusive packet early this week, and today, they said they'd mail it "now". Hmmm.

Thankfully my oncologist (very confident man) said that at my post op appointment, he would have "all the answers" regarding what stage cancer, further treatment etc etc. Maybe my answers will be there. Unfortunately, my post op appointment with him is scheduled for an hour after I'm to check in for surgery. Guess I'll need to change that, and wait some more.

Time goes on

Was thinking today and remembered an incident from my "nursing career" that has always had an impact on me. A patient had come into our Emergency Room, and I can't even remember what the complaint was. The short story is that he died in the ER--something that didn't happen very often. We moved him to a private area where the family could have a few moments, and as we did, I noticed the thing that had the impact for me.


As we "prepared" the body for the family, I noticed his watch: it was still running. I know, duh, of course. At that moment it struck me though, for this family the world had stopped, their grief was overwhelming, NOTHING else was crossing their minds. Yet the watch reminded me that time just marches in regardless. Other people are continuing to go about their business and they don't even know someone has died.

I was thinking of this today, because in a lesser degree this is kind of my life right now. I go to the grocery store and the cashier says, "how are you? Did you find everything you needed?" Part of me wants to tell the cashier all about having cancer and how bad it is. Of course, I give the "correct" response: I'm fine, how are you? Reminds me of the watch, because even if I get bad news, or am feeling nauseated/weak/dizzy or just overwhelmed with it all, the world is still marching on.

Interesting how isolated we are from each other sometimes. One person is experiencing grief that has "stopped time" for them, while others of us calmly march on not even aware. So, no idea how that really relates to anything else, just my thought for the day.

Little reminder

Last night I had a little reminder of something that was told to me in my "chemo class" before I started all this mess. They had a cancer survivor speaking, and she said that it takes a long time to get used to the way you look after you lose your hair. She recommended wearing a cap at night so you don't scare yourself as you go into the bathroom at night.

Last night it happened. I had taken off my hat to scratch my head on the way to the bathroom. All of a sudden, there was a scary looking little old man walking across the room towards me. Then I realized--that scary looking old man IS me!?! Yikes. Maybe that was even more scary.

So thankful that this is temporary. Let's all pray that those little hair follicles spring to life soon, that the next round of chemo doesn't knock them back, and that there are no more little old men wandering my room!

Happy neutropenic Mother's Day

So of course, Mother's Day falls just before my little white blood cells are supposed to be at their lowest. Pop quiz: anyone remember what the lowest point is called? How about my "status" when I'm so low? Gave one away already. So one of the "guidelines" for me during this time is no fresh flowers. Kind of a bummer on Mother's Day. So the family had to get creative. John and Emily found a flower shaped balloon, and Rebekah dusted off some plastic roses she had in her room :) I did stay away from the fresh strawberries that looked so good, but cheated on a salad tonight. I'll be good tomorrow I promise.

Very fun day of gardening, scrabble and looking at funny e-cards on the computer with the girls.

Here's my sign

My sister took this on a recent trip to Arizona. Honestly, I would have walked past it and not "seen" the significance. She sees that kind of stuff--smart girl. I just love what the sign means in MY life today.

Recently in one of my "cancer devotional" books (you know they have devotional books for everything now), there was a quote from Corrie Ten Boom. Can't remember it all, but the gist of it was, if you are on a train, and it goes through a tunnel, when everything goes black, you don't jump off the train, you trust the engineer to take you through while you can't see. Huge picture for me, because it is very dark at times right now, and I find myself trying to jump. Gotta stay on the train, and stay on that path so the healing can continue.

One more to check off the list

Had my last Leukine shot today. At least I hope it was. I think it was. We can pray it was.

The shots were given one EVERY DAY for 5 days after each cycle of chemo, and were to boost my immunity. The time I went in the hospital I was kind of doubtful that they actually do anything, but I figured I'll go along with it. All told I got a total of 21--had a bonus one in the hospital.

I've never liked shots, and tried really hard to get out of them. Didn't pan out for me. On the negative side, the shots were kind of icky. Didn't hurt too much when they were given but later on not so good. The nurses told me I should take Benadryl and Tylenol before I got the shot. Doesn't sound promising does it? Even with that, most times I got a little hive at the spot, as well as itching. Oh and don't sleep on that side either. Then one more issue--where do you put 5 shots when they make the arm swell? They would ask me "which arm?" Well, just look for a place that isn't red, bruised or swollen and I'll take it!

On the positive side, the Medical Assistants who gave the shots turned out to be wonderful people. Really. There are four "regulars" and seeing them that many times, it's been nice :) They have a great camraderie that *almost* made it pleasant. In fact the front office staff too. They ALWAYS greet me by name, and ask how I am. . . . and um, they wait for a real answer. I told them today I would miss them, and the response? Don't worry, we'll be here for you when you come back :) awwww.

So, celebrating the last shot, but missing my "friends" a little.

Surgery appointment

So it was yesterday.

Good news: I got an appointment!
Bad news: there was a 2 hr wait in the office
Good news: the office was air conditioned, outside was 90 degrees plus
Bad news: Neither John nor I brought a book or anything to do
Good news: the appointment was physically painless
Bad news: I still have to have surgery, and now know more icky, gory details
Good news: there has apparently been a "very good response" from the tumor to the chemo
Bad news: still have to have more chemo
Good news: I was strong enough to treck down the stairs from the 5th floor office!

Really, I don't want to talk about the surgery. I'd kind of like to just wake up somewhere in June and not actually live through the next few weeks. Don't want to talk about it, just need some new hobbies to keep me busy. There is a lot of emotional processing going on for me, and it's a hard time. I stayed up late last night listening to the sermon from my church last week about going through hard things. Helped some.

I will say I've learned some things in the last 24 hours. It's okay to be mad at God. I am. (gasp!) I am, but God is big enough to handle that. There are a lot of things I just don't get about all this, but I am deciding to believe 2 things: I WILL trust Him, and He IS good. Very hard things to live out right now. Appreciate your prayers.

Done for a while

Last treatment of the "harsh" chemo is over. So glad, but wishing all the nausea/weakness was gone too. At least I didn't get as tired this time. Five more shots this week and then all that should be behind me.

The nurse practitioner outlined my next few steps in treatment on Friday. After surgery/recovery, we are back to more chemo :( Knew that was coming but I about fell off the examining table when she mentioned I would have TWELVE more treatments, one each week. Now I knew it would be 3 more months, which is 12 weeks, but I didn't know it would be EVERY week. That kind of threw me. I think I'm getting used to that idea but not sure yet.

The medications they are giving me next time are supposed to be "low dose" and not as harsh on my system (hence the reason they can give them more often). She even mentioned that some people grow their hair back during the treatment, but not to get my heart set on it. You can be sure to pray for it though! If you want interesting reading, you can look up Adriamycin and Cytoxan--those are the yucky ones I don't have to have anymore.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. The surgeon's office is to call today to set up an appointment, and get all those details settled. The oncologist wants me to have surgery in 3 weeks and then resume chemo 3 weeks after that. Somewhere in there they will also meet with me to discuss the findings after sugery, and they will have "answers" like what stage this cancer is and I guess a prognosis. I did ask if they could please wrap all this up by my birthday. I'd love to have treatment over as a present. Sadly, no go. She said she could promise by the holidays, but probably not by my birthday. Going to have to think of something else to ask for, for my birthday.