Strange term, no? When I first heard that term, I thought it was kind of strange. As this month has gone by I've changed my mind. I've heard before that anniversaries of difficult events can be hard, and I'm finding that can be true. I remembered the day of my "call back" for the abnormal mammogram, the date of the date of the biopsy, and today was the day a year ago I got the call that no one wants to get, "Nancy, I got your biopsy results and I'm sorry I have bad news. It's cancer."
I had thought that today would be sad for me, but then after going through the latest biopsy scare, I decided this would be a "marker" or commemoration for me, and NOT a sad time since there is so much to celebrate. In fact, I had planned to go out to dinner with family tonight. How quick things change!! I ended up spending 2 1/2 hours at the breast center today, due to an infection from the biopsy a few weeks ago. Very ironic really. I'm once again thankful for good medical insurance :) We are hoping that the infection will clear with minimal intervention, and a course of antibiotics.
As I waited today I was thinking AGAIN, of how quickly things can change. Literally one minute everything seems fine, and the next, the world can appear to be caving in. A year ago I was waiting for biopsy results, but going about my normal routine: getting breakfast for the kids, preparing for our day of homeschooling and homeschool group classes in the afternoon. A short phone call from my doctor changed not just my plans for that day, but the course of the entire year!
In light of how quickly things can change, I'm left knowing that I cannot depend on circumstances for my happiness or my source of joy. There is a line from a song that has been floating in my brain, and becoming more and more true for me. "How can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You." I know that I need to seek my security and my joy in the one who made me and loves me. Life and circumstances change in an instant but God will never change.
Even though my "active treatment" is finished, sometimes doubts creep in and the future can look scary. There are so many "what if's" that slink into my mind if I allow them. Re-focusing on the only one who never changes, is the only way to be secure in this ever changing world!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
The Valley of the Shadow
Lots of times over the last year, I felt that I was walking "through the valley of the shadow of death". Not literally, really, more that there was a huge shadow over my life as I tried to just get through. Finishing radiation was a big deal, 'active treatment' was over and I felt like the sun was coming out.
This week I had my annual mammogram, and to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. To add to my concern, was the fact that my oncologists office wanted me to have my exam as soon as insurance would allow---a year and a day after my last mammogram. I've heard from others who have gone through this that the anniversaries are all difficult and I'm finding that to be true. . . . . a year ago today, I scheduled the biopsy that confirmed my cancer. Having the mammogram be in the middle of all of the "a year ago" type markers was hard.
The tech that did the mammogram was so sweet to me, and explained that due to my history, I would ALWAYS have results before leaving, after a mammogram. Apparently most women get "screening mammograms" where results are mailed to you as long as they are normal; I get "diagnostic mammogram" which means it is read right there, before I leave the area. That was such a relief. At least it was a relief till she returned "to do more films, there was just one area he couldn't see well." After she headed off with those films and a man came in the room, I was glad I was already sitting down.
"Hi I'm Dr. Kwo, and I wanted to talk to you about something I saw on the mammogram". It felt like a nightmare starting all over again. He pulled up a chair, and I felt my stomach hit the floor. He explained that we had 2 options. . . . biopsy and see what was there, or wait and see if it grew quickly or slowly. um, let's not let anything start growing shall we? They were kind enough to work me in between patients, and do the biopsy the same day.
We still had to wait several hours before I could have the biopsy done, and I have to admit there was much weeping and wailing. I was absolutely terrified. There have only been a few times in my life that I've been so scared I was shaking, and this was one. God truly used that time to minister to me. A dear friend prayed with me bringing comfort and strength. A series of events happened so that John was able to almost walk out of his classroom the minute I called--no small feat for a teacher!
Obviously the wait for biopsy results was equally scary. Just 24 hours after they finished the biopsy, we got results--benign!!! You can only imagine my relief--and that of my family! We were all fairly convinced that we had another long road ahead of us.
Long drawn out story here :) Feeling very blessed today, to be alive, to be healthy and strong, and to have the big B-9 next to my biopsy report. I don't know why God chose me for all this. Some people have told me that I have inspired them and I don't feel worth of that at all. It is truly only His strength through my weakness that has gotten me to this point. I know for a fact it is that strength that will carry me forward, either through another valley, or up on the mountaintop for a while.
This week I had my annual mammogram, and to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. To add to my concern, was the fact that my oncologists office wanted me to have my exam as soon as insurance would allow---a year and a day after my last mammogram. I've heard from others who have gone through this that the anniversaries are all difficult and I'm finding that to be true. . . . . a year ago today, I scheduled the biopsy that confirmed my cancer. Having the mammogram be in the middle of all of the "a year ago" type markers was hard.
The tech that did the mammogram was so sweet to me, and explained that due to my history, I would ALWAYS have results before leaving, after a mammogram. Apparently most women get "screening mammograms" where results are mailed to you as long as they are normal; I get "diagnostic mammogram" which means it is read right there, before I leave the area. That was such a relief. At least it was a relief till she returned "to do more films, there was just one area he couldn't see well." After she headed off with those films and a man came in the room, I was glad I was already sitting down.
"Hi I'm Dr. Kwo, and I wanted to talk to you about something I saw on the mammogram". It felt like a nightmare starting all over again. He pulled up a chair, and I felt my stomach hit the floor. He explained that we had 2 options. . . . biopsy and see what was there, or wait and see if it grew quickly or slowly. um, let's not let anything start growing shall we? They were kind enough to work me in between patients, and do the biopsy the same day.
We still had to wait several hours before I could have the biopsy done, and I have to admit there was much weeping and wailing. I was absolutely terrified. There have only been a few times in my life that I've been so scared I was shaking, and this was one. God truly used that time to minister to me. A dear friend prayed with me bringing comfort and strength. A series of events happened so that John was able to almost walk out of his classroom the minute I called--no small feat for a teacher!
Obviously the wait for biopsy results was equally scary. Just 24 hours after they finished the biopsy, we got results--benign!!! You can only imagine my relief--and that of my family! We were all fairly convinced that we had another long road ahead of us.
Long drawn out story here :) Feeling very blessed today, to be alive, to be healthy and strong, and to have the big B-9 next to my biopsy report. I don't know why God chose me for all this. Some people have told me that I have inspired them and I don't feel worth of that at all. It is truly only His strength through my weakness that has gotten me to this point. I know for a fact it is that strength that will carry me forward, either through another valley, or up on the mountaintop for a while.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Catching up
I've been feeling mildly guilty for not updating here. Just mild guilt, hence no update!
December was of course, busy. Both Johnny and Jesse won a "family 4 pack" of tickets to Disney on Ice, through our local library. Very exciting, since usually a "family 4 pack" is not enough for this family! All 7 of us plus my sister Barbara, were able to go and enjoy. Kind of fun to have gone to Disneyland just before treatment started, and Disney on Ice just as treatment ended.
A fun time was had by all :)
Tomorrow starts us all back to our normal routine: John goes back to work and we start back with our homeschool schedule. I'm thankful for more of a "routine" but will miss having time to relax. One thing that I find very frustrating is that I still don't have my strength and energy back. So far the best way I've found to deal with the fatigue and aches and pains is to deny and ignore. :) Not sure if that is the right thing to do, but it's working out for me so far!
As far as ongoing treatment, I apply my "deny and ignore" principle as much as possible there too :) Kidding. I've started my Tamoxifen, the long term medication I'll be on, and it seems like there aren't too many icky side effects so far. Hoping that will be the case from here on out. I have continued follow up with my doctors, and am hoping that the appointments will be fewer and farther between as time goes on. I do still have to wrap up my care with the radiation therapy office, then will only be seeing the medical oncologist and my regular doctor.
For now, that is the catching up. Not too exciting or dramatic, and I'm hoping to keep it that way!
December was of course, busy. Both Johnny and Jesse won a "family 4 pack" of tickets to Disney on Ice, through our local library. Very exciting, since usually a "family 4 pack" is not enough for this family! All 7 of us plus my sister Barbara, were able to go and enjoy. Kind of fun to have gone to Disneyland just before treatment started, and Disney on Ice just as treatment ended.
Tomorrow starts us all back to our normal routine: John goes back to work and we start back with our homeschool schedule. I'm thankful for more of a "routine" but will miss having time to relax. One thing that I find very frustrating is that I still don't have my strength and energy back. So far the best way I've found to deal with the fatigue and aches and pains is to deny and ignore. :) Not sure if that is the right thing to do, but it's working out for me so far!
As far as ongoing treatment, I apply my "deny and ignore" principle as much as possible there too :) Kidding. I've started my Tamoxifen, the long term medication I'll be on, and it seems like there aren't too many icky side effects so far. Hoping that will be the case from here on out. I have continued follow up with my doctors, and am hoping that the appointments will be fewer and farther between as time goes on. I do still have to wrap up my care with the radiation therapy office, then will only be seeing the medical oncologist and my regular doctor.
For now, that is the catching up. Not too exciting or dramatic, and I'm hoping to keep it that way!
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