Latest update

So things are going incredibly smoothly around here, hence no post. So thankful that there have been no more incidents with infections, hospitalizations etc etc. Especially so since I got the bills for ER and hospital co-payments (yikes!).

Friday is the day for my last treatment in this round of chemotherapy. Knowing I have 4 more treatments down the road, this isn't too exciting. Too much celebration will bring a big let down when I have to go back there! Last cycle of chemo, I heard John on the phone just before my appointment, "no, this weekend isn't good. Nancy has a treatment and ends up in bed all weekend." Ha! I thought, "do not!!!" So that Friday I got my treatment. That Sunday, I forced myself out of bed thinking "guess he was right". We counted and I slept 14 of Saturday's 24 hours. Sad thing is, I "rested" in bed for many more of the remaining hours!! Based on that, I am planning to get my bed nice and comfy before Friday :)

The only small bump in the road at this point is getting surgery scheduled. My oncologist had told me not to worry about appointments and such till after my last chemo treatment. Being the slightly controlling person I am, I called for an appointment earlier :) Come to find out, my surgeon is going out of the country on a missions trip next month. Hmmmm. While I appreciate that gesture, wish he had cleared it with me first :) The bigger issue right now is that apparently no one has "requested" my surgery with the insurance, and we have no "authorization" so I can't even GET an appointment. I fought that battle for only a short while, reached my tolerance for phone calls back and forth, and am waiting till I see the doctors on Friday to do more. I like to have things settled, so this is a stress for me. There on the other hand, not even wanting the surgery, part of me is happy to see that we can't get it settled.

In other news, here are some cute sayings from Jesse. The first was yesterday, when Jesse and Johnny were playing with Legos. They make up stories to go with their play, and during the story I heard Jesse's little voice, "Johnny don't call me, I'm unavailable". I love it!!

The other story is from a bit ago. Jesse was sitting on my lap and it went like this :
Jesse: Mama I not like your bald head.
Me: Well thank you very much, me either.
Jesse: I want you grow your hair back long. . . . . . like Tangled.

We saw that movie a bit ago and he LOVED it. Not sure if my hair will grow that long, and if it did, well, that could be inconvenient.

Suffering and Easter thoughts

In one of my cancer devotional books, early on I read something about suffering, and how our suffering helps us to understand Christ's trials. At first, my thoughts went to Good Friday and Jesus' death on the cross. How presumptive, I thought! That my cancer would better help me understand what Jesus went through dying for the sins of the world. As I've thought more on this though, it has helped me through some of the "dark times".

The trials I have now with cancer are much different than what Jesus went through. He *willingly* submitted to a violent trial and death, and never asked God "why me?" He KNEW the plan and went with it. I didn't know the plan coming into this, and in fact, if God had told me any earlier, I would have not taken the news well, to put it lightly. In fact, when I first was told I had cancer, I didn't take it well.

One aspect that I've thought on a lot is Jesus prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane "Father if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Really considering the words of that prayer and then being able to MEAN them is huge. Lots of me would love to have God take the cancer out of my body right now, I'd love to be completely healed and not have to do any more of the treatments/surgeries/medicines etc. The end is what is so hard. . . . not MY will, but yours. While I'm not sure I believe it is God's will that I have cancer, it is His will that I go through this trial and trust Him to bring me through.

Another aspect that has occupied me is that Jesus went through incredible suffering, and did it willingly, and did it for people who not only didn't care, but truly despised Him. At any point, He could have decided that was enough, and taken himself out of the situation. He CHOSE to go through it, and not because he was doing it for people who would appreciate His sacrifice. He did it because he loved us, whether or not we love Him. That's huge. I have no such choice or motive. My "suffering" is purely selfish: I want to live a while longer, so I "suffer" through the treatment. Thinking that someone would die for me, even when I would be indifferent or worse, hateful towards Him; that is something to think about.

I praise God that my "suffering" does not even begin to compare with His. So grateful for His suffering and sacrifice that I might live through Him on this earth, and with Him someday in Heaven.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xODpgyqGCYM&feature=grec_index

Waiting

Wanted to share this with you. I was just commenting to John that it is so frustrating for me, I feel like my whole YEAR this year is a holding pattern. I'm WAITING for this or that, just waiting for the treatment to be over so we can get back to our lives. Feeling like everything is "on hold" like we can't go anywhere or DO anything, till all this gets resolved. Too many 'ifs' and uncertainties to make many plans and sometimes not even having the strength to accomplish routine household chores.

This song spoke to me about all that I CAN do, and what God might actually be asking me to do. Plenty to do while I'm waiting. I need to be open and looking for what God has for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHIqOHU6Dhg

Garden

So what have I been doing all week? I guess it depends on your viewpoint. Not much really when you list it out :) Got all my shots which is not exciting at all. The fun part was gardening. Little by little, most days we planted a few things . Peppers on the patio: What I hope will be a really fruitful tomato plant: What I hope won't be too many squash: And tons of cucumbers!

The beans are pathetic, sadly. Snails or slugs got most of them, so we are re-planting. The onions are from earlier, but almost ready to pick!

. . . and drink plenty of water!

I'm beginning to think the whole water drinking thing is a conspiracy. What kind of a conspiracy I haven't figured out yet, but my theory remains. No matter WHAT I question about my treatment, meds etc, it seems they add "and drink plenty of water!" I think translated that means. . . . "we aren't really sure what to suggest, but this won't hurt you and you'll think you are doing something, and it might help." Feeling icky after a chemo treatment? Drink plenty of water. Stomach pains after your antibiotics? Drink plenty of water. Feeling weak or dizzy after those shots? Drink plenty of water. Getting a fever? Drink plenty of water!!! and I don't really even care for water. Maybe I need to be more creative with putting stuff in it. Or maybe I need to take out stock in some water company, and install vending machines in the doctor's office!

The right words at the right time

Again and again I'm amazed at the way God puts things in my path. This morning my tummy is bothering me, I have no energy and I'm just feeling blah. Not looking forward to getting a shot today, then there are a few errands I need to run, and I'm just tired. While I'm sitting feeling sorry for myself a sweet little 7 yr old boy voice floats down the hall, as he's absentmindedly singing while cleaning his room. . . . "ya may have worries, ya may have doubts, ya may have special situations, and seems there's no way out. . . . . Just put your trust in Jesus, His love is pure delight" His "absentmindedness" was meant for my good, and God knew just the words I needed, to get my focus back where it needs to be.

75% done!

With the first 4 cycles of chemo! This last one really knocked me out! I have been sleeping ALL weekend, which isn't really like me. The kids counted up, and I slept 14 of the first 24 hours after my treatment. Wow. I've been up for just 5 hours now, and feel like I could nap. I would, except I'm afraid I won't sleep tonight. I did get a burst of energy today--shame it was gone almost as quickly. We went to the garden center and got a bunch of plants to start our garden. We figure this is a good way for me to "feel" active, even if I do it in little spurts. It has been so frustrating to NOT be able to do all the things I'm used to doing. We were thinking gardening, I could handle in little chunks of time, and it wouldn't involve crowds or small children :) Well, at least only my own small children. In other news, my white blood cells that were so low just 2 weeks ago? Right back up to pre-chemo levels! Has to be a miracle. The doctor gave me the option of putting off my chemo for another week and in some ways it was oh so tempting. Though it is so very hard to get that stuff, I just want to push through and be done. My doctor was still livid with the ER from a couple weeks back. Lots of words as to what they should have done when I went in the first time. I think I know now, that *I* need to stay on his good side! The nurses confirmed for me that he "doesn't mess around". He likes things to be done, and to be done the right way the first time! So it's on to "shot week" for me. . . . . . shots every day this week are just icky to think of. Even more of a drag, I need to have someone drive me, now that I know my blood pressure drops (or at least sometimes does) when I get the shots. In fact, before I left the office this time, they made appointments for me for my shots this week, my next follow up with the doctor, my next chemo AND the shots following that treatment! Looks a bit overwhelming, yet at the same time, those are ALL the appointments I will have for this round of chemo. Kind of a strange kind of encouragement. Finally, that lovely kitchen floor! Almost done! No pictures at this point, because I've been too tired for that. Most of the tile is down, just a few edges, and under the applicances. Next the grout, and molding along the edges, then it will be done! Looks magnificent! Though it does accentuate the fact that we need new carpet in the living room. . . . . .