A different miracle

The last two days I've been feeling really tired and fatigued. I'm sure it's the chemo, but it gives me time to think. Maybe that's a bad thing! :)

Lately I've been reflecting on this journey so far. It certainly isn't a journey I would have chosen for myself, and though I have learned so much, I can't say that I'm "happy" to be in this place yet. One of the things I've been thinking about is the fact that so many people have been praying for me. In the beginning people would tell me that they were praying for a miracle. Miracles are good, and we have probably recieved more than our fair share during this time.

I've realized that if I were to be honest, I didn't get the miracle I was praying for. The miracle *I* thought I wanted, was complete healing, before treatment. If I could have had that MRI, or a CT scan and had them say "hey wait a minute, your tumor isn't there anymore" I would have been overjoyed! And truly, what a great witness right? I could tell everyone how God healed me and go on with my life as it was.

That wasn't the miracle that God chose to give me, and maybe part of the point was me NOT going on with my life as it was. Presumptuously, sometimes I get upset about that, because really, who wants to go through hard times? I am seeing that I'm learning things and that who I am is changing, because of these hard times. I can't say that I'm all in favor of it yet though! God chose to give me a different miracle: the miracle that my cancer hasn't spread, the miracle that I am able to learn and change as a result of these circumstances, and I'm hoping, the miracle of work in other hearts too.

Lots of times, I think to myself that I really don't want to do this anymore. Honestly, I was thinking that just this morning! It's so easy to focus on all the negatives, and think about how HARD all this is. When I'm able to re-focus my thinking, that's when things are good again. The verses about "taking every thought captive" have become so real to me. If I allow my mind to run away with the possibilities, I am truly lost, and end up in a little puddle of tears. It has been a process of re-training myself to take charge of my thoughts, and focus on what is good, lovely and perfect. Not really easy stuff, but fortunately, it doesn't require physical strength, considering I don't have much these days!

So looking for the miracles that God is giving me has become a new focus. There are lots of miracles for me, it's just a matter of me recognizing them. I'm reminded that I don't see the big picture. If I did, maybe the miracles I'm asking for would be the same miracles I receive. Instead, I'm having to re-focus my thinking: the miracle of my cancer responding 100% to chemotherapy is a true miracle--best case scenario! Yes, I wanted healing without treatment, but God knows the reason this was not the miracle He chose to give me. Maybe I will see the "reason" someday, maybe I'll have to ask in Heaven.