Honesty

Chemo report. . . . . . I'd have to say that the actual administration of the chemo would be on my "things I could handle doing again" list. Ranks WAY higher than that nasty barium. The people in the office are SO VERY NICE! And the "nice" is genuine too, or else they are really good actors.

I have to admit, when they called me into the infusion room and the nurse looked at my papers and said "first time today?" I burst into tears. Scared, worried about what it would be like and just overwhelmed when faced again with the reality of the situation. That sweet nurse took me and hugged me :) She had lots of reassuring words, and one of the other nurses also came over to hug and reassure me.

The medication was something else. I was "premedicated" with benadryl, antinausea medication and a steroid--how's that for a coctail?! After that I got my 2 chemo drugs, one of which looks like red kool aid. The kool aid stuff is kind of potent, and the nurse has to sit at my side and s-l-o-w-l-y push it in over 30 minutes. Gave us lots of time to chat :)

Another nice thing, the lady sitting next to me was getting the same medications I am, and this was her 2nd cycle. She had lots of reassurance to give me. . . . . and I *think* she was wearing the wig I want to order!! Seemed awkward to ask her though. . . "so are you wearing the Erika wig?"

Warning: religious content follows :) If it might offend you, skip this one :)

So on to the honesty part. Lots of people have told me what a strong person I am, that I'm brave, they admire my strength etc etc. While I'd love to build myself up into superwoman, the truth is I'm not any of those things. I'm finding the meaning of "my strength comes from the Lord". He gives me just what I need when I need it. Oh, I cry out for more than I need, earlier than I need it, but He just carries me through. I do try to maintain a positive attitude, and most of the time I'm successful. There are other times, like this morning, when I just need a few minutes to have a good cry. When I'm at home caring for the kids, doing laundry, cooking and all those other normal things, it's easy to push cancer from my mind. While I don't deny it to the point of deluding myself, it is just a far off thing. When I have to go for an appointment, especially at the oncology office where there are people who are really sick, it hits me. It's unavoidable and I realize that the nightmare is really true, that it's really happening. Those are the times I need a minute to either cry, or gather myself together, or both. I actually committed to read through the Bible in 90 days, at the beginning of the year. Little did I know I would NEED to be reading the Bible like I do. I can't even explain the comfort that washes over me as I read familiar passages, or come upon something that speaks to me.

Moral of the story? Not sure I have one. I just know that God loves me, and I know that more than I ever did before. Even though this is a terrible thing, God is with me, and He knows the reasons. The sermon at church last week (well okay, the whole service) spoke to me so much. Completely explains some of the comfort and strength I'm feeling. You can actually hear it at http://www.whittierhills.org/media.php?pageID=34, and there's a neat little devotional that goes with it :) So good was that sermon, I plan to listen again!